The Most Important Thing I Learned From My Marriage



Introduction


I try to learn something from every experience. I try to look back and say, "How could I have done better? What went wrong? How could I have prevented that? What can I take with me now into the future? This is the biggest and most important lesson that I learned when I reflected on my marriage. This lesson churned inside of me as I agonized over, "We started out so good? How did we go from talking about anything to such icy silence?" In the time period directly following my divorce, I read a lot of books about divorce, relationships and communication looking for answers. I went to various meetings patterned after the 12-step model and learned effective ways to listen and communicate. Altogether, I can't say this came from one source, but all of it simmered together in my mind until one day it crystallized. This is what I learned:

The Lesson


When two people begin a relationship, there is no wall between them. Eventually, conflicts come. These conflicts are extremely important for the development of the relationship. They are The Stuff that makes or breaks the relationship. Every time there is a conflict, there is a chance for deeper intimacy or destruction.

If the conflict is resolved with a winner and a loser, then a brick is placed on the wall between the people. If bullying, intimidation, stonewalling, pouting and other coercive tactics are used, someone will win, but someone will lose. Maybe the loser just gives in to keep the peace or whatever, or they shrug it off, but the brick has been set down between them. When the relationship is young, it is easy to step over a single line of bricks on the floor, or a low wall, but as the wall grows, it becomes more difficult. One day, it is so high, that all communication of blocked off.

When things get that bad, it is easier to just throw up your hands and find a new relationship where no wall exists. But if you still don't know how to resolve conflicts, the bricks will pile up again.

On the other hand, if good communication, reflective listening, "I" statements and other good negotiation skills are utilized, and a win/win solution is reached, then instead of a brick being set down, you have greater trust, intimacy, and connectedness. The relationship is strengthened, deepened, and the sex gets better.

I believe that that if the wall is there, it can't be just brushed aside. There is a lot of unhappiness and bitterness in that wall. I believe that the bricks need to be taken down one at a time and dealt with. Apologies need to be made, and true effort not to do it again.

That is the big lesson. When I am in an argument, I am so focused on how we are arguing. To me, that is even more important than the topic of the argument. If the pattern becomes win/lose, I know that the relationship is doomed already. Therefore, good conflict resolution skills it the number one thing I look for in a relationship.

An Example


My ex and I didn't understand this when we were married. We always had the win/lose solutions. Consequently, we each blamed each other for the divorce. By the end of the marriage, there was so much anger and hatred. We could barley talk about the weather. I knew one couple that by the time they were divorced, they could only leave notes for each other like, "get eggs". After my divorce, my ex also got involved in some kind of group that helped him with his listening and communication skills, He never told me directly, but I noticed a major difference. He took his time to hear me out instead of cutting me off authoritatively. He said he understood that I was upset. He calmly explained why he had an opposing viewpoint. He was open to suggestions, and more information as to what the problem was. We used to see ourselves as on opposite sides, pulling at the children, but now we both recognize that we are on the same team, teamed up against the problem. It isn't perfect, but it is so much better. It can be a real tinderbox for us regarding the kids. It is so tempting to just blow up and say, "Fine! See you in court!" But we both know that is too expensive and destructive for everybody. It is cheaper to keep cool, hear each other out, and find a win/win compromise. Sometimes one of us is really angry, sometimes it takes over an hour to find the solution, but we don't resort to name calling and finger pointing. We are able to solve disagreements much better and much quicker than we ever did when we were married. Finding the win/win solution builds trust in our relationship. We know the alternative is hatred, angry words in front of the kids, and vengeful litigation.
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